California To Be One Big Freeway
With traffic jamming most of the state's metropolitan areas, plans have just been approved to solve all of California's congestion problems at once.
The entire state, which is rather tall and narrow, will be paved over and turned into our nation's largest thoroughfare.
"It'll be great!" says one official in the state's transportation offices.
According to a preliminary report, there will be 5,000 northbound lanes, 5,000 southbound lanes, 300 diamond lanes for car-pooling, and on-ramps and off-ramps with 40 or 50 lanes.
"We have one overpass the size of Rhode Island," commented the enthusiastic official. "You'll be able to travel from Mexico to Oregon without ever hitting traffic snags in San Diego, L.A. or the Bay Area."
Using the well-established precedent of imminent domain, state officials will pave over state parks and nature reserves. "Those old redwoods are going to be nasty to remove, too. And some of those peaks in the Sierras are gonna be tough to smooth out. Believe me, we've got our work cut out for us."
Plans are to leave certain business landmarks, which have agreed to pay a hefty fee to remain untouched. "Don't worry. There'll still be a Starbucks and a McDonald's at every off-ramp," said the official. "Oh, and plenty of gas stations."
"We're even going to keep San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge. It'll be lane 45 of a northwest on-ramp over the bay."
"Finally," says the transportation spokesman, "our state's traffic enormous traffic problems will be behind us. Jay Leno will have to find some other place to joke about, because our traffic will be the smoothest in the nation."
We inquired of the official about the wisdom of such a radical transportation for the state.
Had they, for instance, considered the fact that if the state is entirely paved over, there will be no residents or tourists in need of the highways? "Uh, well, we've got all kinds of studies. I'm not sure if that's one of them or not."