Map Of Human Genome Lost!
Scientific Breakthrough Gone Awry
"We found this diagram this morning and thought we'd recovered it. But it turned out to be a blueprint for the new roller coaster over at Six Flags."
Not long after scientists at The Human Genome Project announced the world's first comprehensive mapping of the complete human gene, they were forced to hold yet another, more somber, press conference.
"Well, uh... we lost it again," admitted Dr. Herbert Mulch, lead researcher on the project. "Our computers spent five years logging data, chemical formulas and DNA patterns. Then we downloaded it all onto two hard drives... and now... well... we can't find them."
"This morning, we thought we'd found it," reported the researcher. "But it turned out to be a diagram of the new roller coaster over at Six Flags."
Needless to say, many were disturbed at the news. "How scientists could lose valuable information like this is beyond me," complained ex-congressman Bob Dornan. "If this were to fall into the wrong hands, who knows where the human race could end up? What if monkeys got hold of it? They could catch up with us!"
Several religious leaders rejoiced at the news. "Some things just aren't meant to be known by man," said Reverend Jerry Falwell. "I personally don't think there ever was such thing as a human genome. If you want to find the blueprint for man, you better start talking to the architect upstairs."
Radio talk show host, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, regretted the loss. "Someone might have been able to engineer a race of people that would meet my moral standards. And leave out all those mistakes we have now."
O.J. Simpson was particularly upset by the announcement. "That was the breakthrough I've been waiting five years for. I was counting on that DNA research stuff to find the real killer. Yeah, that's what I was waiting for. But now I guess I'll just have to keep waiting." The one-time Heisman Trophy winner continued shake his head in regret as they called him to the next tee.
Al Gore's voice cracked a bit when he responded to the announcement. "This is very painful for me personally, since I invented DNA."
Harold Rebus, head of security for the Nuclear Weapons Research Lab at Los Alamos was sympathetic to the scientist's plight.
"Stuff happens. Have they checked behind the copier?"