Wacky Times Advice Column

Dear Dr. Loop,

My husband, Stan, is starting to really worry me. I woke up in the middle of the night last week and found him wearing a doctor's uniform. I mean white coat, stethoscope and everything. He was typing away at his keyboard. I think he was online, pretending to be a doctor and dispensing advice to someone. He doesn't know the first thing about medicine. He's a shoe repairman. Should I call a hospital? Or the police?

Signed, Worried in Wisconsin

Dear Worried,

Heavens no! Don't call anyone! Your husband has every right to fantasize a bit after cobbling shoes all day. People look up to doctors, so it's natural that he'd like to be one after cowtowing all day to a bunch of unsatisfied, noisy customers with bratty kids who knock over the shoe polish jars and tear open the new shoe lace packages... In any case, try to think of his nocturnal activities as a harmless hobby. Who knows, if he finds someone crazy enough to believe him, he may be able to bring in some extra money from some publication that's too cheap to pay for a real doctor. That is, unless you spoil it for him. Wouldn't you like to have a new dress or two? Leave him alone and you might get them.

Signed, Dr. Stanford Harvard Loop, M.D., PhD., I.V., SUV

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Dear Dr. Loop,

I've been wondering how a doctor with your credentials could end up as the medical and science editor of a goofy publication like Wacky Times.

So I did a nationwide check of medical licenses and can't find you listed anywhere. Please tell me where you attended medical school?

Signed, Wondering

Dear Wondering,

I'm a bit concerned about the tone of your letter. You sound like you may have a touch of paranoia. Normally I would be happy to answer any questions about my background, but I fear this may just fuel your illness. I certainly don't want to be responsible for exacerbating your condition. My advice to you is to halt this line of thinking immediately. It's for your own good.

Professionally yours, Dr. Stanford Harvard Loop, M.D., PhD., I.V., SUV

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Dear Dr. Loop,

My leg started hurting yesterday. It turns funny in a place where it didn't before. Do you think it could be broken?

Signed, Limping in San Diego

Dear Limping,

It sounds to me like you may have distended your marsupial fibulema, which, in many cases, is the result of a collusion of the bi-vernal equinox or some other trauma to the duodenal canal. My advice is to stay off the leg. Get plenty of rest. And have someone take your shoes in to be re-soled. Limping is often the result of inappropriate heel height.

Sincerely, Dr. Stanford Harvard Loop, M.D., PhD., I.V., SUV